The Parade's Passing By!

Like I said, today's a special day for me--Barbra Streisand's 69th birthday. I will be physically taping my ass to the couch and watching Yentl on repeat, reciting all of Mandy Patinkin's lines in an attempt to pretend that Barbra is wooing me and not him. I mean what?

People are very strange these days.

Anywho, I'm sure you're expecting some sort of massive essay that sums up exactly why I love La Streisand. But I'll tell you a secret. I plan on writing said essay someday, but I'm saving it for when I've got a real downer on my hands-a car wreck, a family emergency, a big ol' argument, etc etc, because I know writing it will make me so damn giddy that I'll stand on the nearest piece of furniture and belt out "Happy Days Are Here Again". In the meantime, I must do something to honor the woman who is my wife...I mean life. So, here are THE TEN BEST BARBRA STREISAND SONGS EVER. Listen to these and you'll begin to understand what makes her the single greatest vocalist of our time. If you love me, you'll check out at least one, fool. Listen here. Then read about what makes 'em great!

10. Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered (Judy Garland Show)-In a time when the epitome of pop music romanticism is Bruno Mars, Streisand is more important than ever because she represents the last Traditional Songbird-she opened for Benny Goodman, crooned with Louis Armstrong, and, of course, spent a precious thirty minutes on The Judy Garland Show. A walking repository of pop music history, Streisand almost singlehandedly carried the American standard into the rock era. To watch her alone in the spotlight in the midst of the British Invasion, delivering a limpid, full-bodied rendition of one of the world's greatest showtunes, is to realize that, were it not for Barbra, we might have already forgotten Rodgers and Hammerstein, Arlen and Berlin, Merrill and Styne.

9. Don't Rain On My Parade-Of all Streisand's hits, this is the one that comes the closest to being a part of our common cultural lexicon-those ten or eleven songs that are so well-known they make up a common frame of reference for every civilized human on the planet. As such, the thing's been covered hundreds of times, but, even moreso than with her other oft-redone recordings, Babs's rendition is the only one that counts. I mean, c'mon-Jule Styne literally wrote the song for her, retooling his entire Funny Girl score once Barbra came aboard so as to capitalize on that voice. It's a rather strange piece if you think about it-the tempo lurches all over the place, strange words receive rhythmic emphasis, and it's far and above the wordiest entry in the Broadway Belter's Handbook. But Barbra makes it work--listen to the way her Brooklynese diction turns "putter" and "butter" into full on verbal assaults, the teasing, almost sensual bend she puts on the first "I march my band out", and, of course, the sheer intensity with which she builds to that final phrase, letting that last "PARAAAAAADE" continue even after the music stops, just to show who's boss. Lea Michele, have a seat please. Watch how this song is really done.

8. How Does the Wine Taste?-Barbra Streisand's wanted all her life-wanted a glamorous appearance (her stepfather used to punish her for "being too ugly"), wanted approval (her mother belittled her singing abilities), wanted true romance (she didn't fall in love until her mid-50s). Babs knows yearning as well as anybody alive, its that "I want-I need-I must" urgency that electrifies her vocal delivery, giving shape to her words and life to even the simplest melody. At first glance, this cut from her People album is a simple, almost charming reflection on the mysteries of the adult world; but as Streisand builds, her voice crescendoing along with the reeds, it becomes a towering anthem of sexual curiosity, adolescent angst, and human frailty. By the time her voice breaks on that final phrase, her wants have become ours, and we share in her beautiful but broken world. All in two and a half minutes. I need to change my pants now.

7. I Believe in Love-The early 70s were a tough time for Barbra-for the first and last time in her career, she deep-sixed standards singing and released a barrage of rock-cover albums in an attempt to appeal to the Woodstock generation. Listening to her too-low, spacey arrangement of "With A Little Help from My Friends", or her strained, insipid take on "Life On Mars". Only once did Streisand successfully bridge her rock-singer dreams with her cabaret-classy talents; in this disco piece, written to order for her A Star is Born remake, the beat is so emphatic that she has no time for the excessive vocal improvisations that mar all of her other rock efforts, and she takes full advantage of the lyric's almost theatrical build, something you wouldn't see in any of the songs from her What About Today? or Barbra Joan Streisand albums. When she lets that final riff rip, with the band tearing it up behind her and her face backlit to perfection, Streisand is, for a moment anyway, the sexy pop artist she always dreamed of being.

6. A Piece of Sky-What is there to say? One of the greatest Streisand hallmarks is the Really Long Note. There's a Really Long Note Song on just about every album she's ever done, in every TV special she's ever headlined. This is the king of 'em all. Composed as the Yentl finale, but doubling as an ode to Streisand's father (who died when she was still a baby), this recording contains some of her most emotional singing-when she sings "There will always be/more to question yet more to believe", her luxuriant decrescendo gives the lyric a poignancy the songwriter's could never have anticipated. And then there's that final note, clear as bell, high as the sky, held for 20 seconds. But Barbra isn't just showing off. It's not how long she holds the note, it's how she sings it as an affirmation, how it speaks of total belief, inner strength, of overcoming life's hurdles. This is what great singing is all about.

5. When the Sun Comes Out-Streisand's voice, with its contrast between purring vibrato and piercing belt, was meant for the torch song, and she's never sounded better than on this Arlen-penned heartbreak ballad. She reels you in with that delicate opening, giving each word of the title phrase a precise, gleaming spin. Then, as the lyric compares loves to bad weather ("Just when everything seems bright and sunny/suddenly the cyclone came"), she grows in volume and intensity, and by the time she's shouting "Let it rain, let it pour!", her emotions are so intense they border on parody. Top it off with that whopper of a final note, with Streisand sliding up the scale to match the white-hot work of the brass musicians. Damn. Uh.

4. Avinu Malkeinu-In an era where a new-agey belief system is almost a requirement for celebrities, Streisand has stuck to her religious guns, always an open promoter of Jewish ideals and laws. It is this steadfast belief that shines through in her flawless arrangement of one of the most beautiful Jewish hymns. Sung in the days leading up to the Jewish New Year, "Avinu Malkeinu" asks God to help us renew ourselves as we renew the Hebrew calendar. Singing with flawless diction and Hebrew pronunciation (what CAN'T she do?!), and backed by a massive choir, Streisand forgoes all vocal ornamentation and eschews conventional belting, turning in a simple, direct reading that allows us to focus on the beauty of the text, and of her ageless voice, one that time has only burnished.

3. Somewhere (2000 "Timeless" Version)-Streisand's Timeless tour was a failed and unnecessary attempt to pair the the Great Diva with Vegas-style pyrotechnics and multimedia integration, but it did have one shining moment-a re-tooled rendition of Streisand's 1985 hit single "Somewhere". Freed from its electro-pop chains and garnished with the sound of a full orchestra, the song can finally soar, and Streisand with it. As she duets with Lauren Frost (a 13-year-old belter meant to represent the Ghost of Barbra Past) on the final chorus, her top notes still readily available at age 59, we get the indelible and moving impression of a great career come full circle.

2. Emily-The sheer purity of Babs's singing voice is her greatest asset, but her phrasing is a close second. This old movie theme, re-written especially for Barbra, features the name "Emily" sung at least twenty times-hell, it's basically the entire chorus. But every time she sings it, its different-breathier or beltier, longer or shorter, ecstatic or filled with melancholy. This is not just talent. This is genius.

1. I Had Myself A True Love-The concept is simple-a scorned lover sitting on the porch, waiting for her man to come home. From this, Streisand creates an entire world. She starts off clipped, crisp, behind the beat, almost conversational. As the full orchestra comes in, she relaxes into the piquant melody, making the word "time" a self-contained gem of glimmering legato. Then, the bridge-the orchestra pulses, alive with a Gershwin-esque bluesy throb--Barbra builds. Barbra belts. It all builds to "No!!! That ain't the way that it used to be!", a phrase she socks over with all the fiery abandon of Mahalia or Aretha. Then the orchestra stops. That voice. In the clear. She yanks all of the sound into the back of her throat, delivering the next few lines in a raspy, wounded whisper we've never heard before. Finally, she reaches the last word-"love." The thing she sings about. The thing she conveys to us, the listener. She starts it small, builds, builds, builds, and for a few seconds, she is in full cry...that is, until she stops a few beats ahead of the orchestra, leaving us on the edge of our seats. Thrilling-there's no other word for it. The best recording of an American standard. Ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LOVE!$$

Also;

I'm pleased to welcome bread back in my life. Passover 2011: No Regrets.

Passover by the Numbers

I'm writing this post because, in the last few weeks, I've been invigorated and moved by my friends interest in my religion. Also, because the word "Jew" is in my blog title, and the words "Non-stop Film Analysis" are not. Let me know how you like it...maybe I'll do more! Also, expect another post tomorrow....sorry to bother you so much this week, reader, but there are two big events in my life within the next few days. The first one, of course, is PASSOVER....

5 Mucho Importanto Facts el Passover (Viva la Taquito ay ay ay)

1. Passover (Pesach in Hebrew), lasts a week, from sunset on the first day to sunset on the last.

2. The holiday's purpose is to celebrate the Jews' victories over our oppressors, in Ancient Egypt and around the world, to mourn the lives lost in our struggle for freedom, and to pray for those among us who remain enslaved, spiritually or physically.

3. In keeping with the liberation motif, adults are encouraged to study the story of Moses and the Exodus in its Biblical form; younger children often read Haggadahs, simplified, illustrated adaptations of the same story. Like all children's books, they tend to play loose with history. Case in point-our family Haggadah features a picture of Moses walking his dog, something I'm pretty sure got the shaft in the original Old Testament. Believe it or not, the making of these things is a full-blown business; even non-literary companies like Maxwell House put them out.

4. Jews spend at least one of the seven nights at a seder. Seders consist of short, self-led prayer services, as well as the consumption of foods unique to the Passover season. These include karpas (a leafy vegetable dipped in salt, to mimic the tears of the enslaved), maror sandwiches (a combination of horseradish and blended apple-cinnamon, meant to convey the bittersweet nature of the human experience), and four sips of kosher wine, which some of the older members of our seder tend to misread as "four cups", with interesting results.

5. And of course, the one universally known Passover fact: We Don't Eat Bread, which sounds easy enough, but:

10 Things That Have Some Sort of Bread In, Around, On, Beneath, or Inside Them/Are Just Plain Bread:

1. Sandwiches of all kinds.

2. Cookies.

3. Doughnuts.

4. Cake. The dessert, not the modestly successful, critically renowned indie band of some note.

5. Toast.

6. Pancakes. This one hurts.

7. Pretzels.

8. Burgers, although whether the Big Mac bun is made of actual dough or just body parts is up for debate.

9. Brownie$$$$$$

10. Bread.

3 Reasons Why, To Me At Least, The Whole Bread Thing Makes Sense:

1. When Moses and co were on the lam from Pharaoh and friends, they didn't have time to bake anything, and simply ate matzot, flat pieces of unrisen bread that taste like salted air. After eating these for a week, you begin to appreciate how much time and effort is lavished on every piece of food you put in and around your mouth. The creation of good cuisine is some kind of small miracle.

2. It creates a strange but palpable sort of fellowship between Jews from all walks of life. For one week, we are all faced with a series of common problems; how to explain to our co-worker why we can't accept that freshly baked pie; how to ignore the latest Quizno's creation beckoning us from a far-off billboard; how to politely decline every piece of birthday cake that comes our way for seven days, while wanting it all the same. Through these rituals, we achieve religious unity in an era where belief is too often a business, or, more accurately, a thousand different businesses jockeying for the same clients.

3. Here's where our culture and that of Christianity dovetail; we've got Pesach and Lent going on all at once. Both holidays commemorate a Biblical event, and both stress self-sacrifice in order to truly understand what's essential in this world and what isn't. To realize that we can in fact live without what is considered the most basic of food groups shifts our perspective considerably. We can refuse bread and do just fine...couldn't we refuse that $3000 Gucci purse? That art-deco furniture that costs more than your average duplex? Those rims for our low riders (guilty there.) I think these small sacrifices are something everyone should attempt sometime, religious or not, because during this time of self-discipline and reflection, all the luxuries masquerading as necessities are unmasked; that's the point. Unless you choose...

The 1 Wrong Way to Go About the Whole Bread Thing:

1. "I ate a Pop Tart (TM)*. That's not TECHNICALLY bread, so I'm good! Tee-hee." The point is not to set some impossible goal (NOTHING WITH FLOUR IN IT, AT ALL! THAT COUNTS AS BREAD!) and then try to get around it. The point is to make some reasonable concessions, and see where they lead you mentally, spiritually, yada yada. Cutting out sandwiches and cookies and pancakes, pretty much my lifeblood, is enough to get me thinking; I tend to let breaded products (chicken fingers, cheesecake) slide. As Fleetwood Mac said, you can go your own way...as long as it ain't the easy way out.

*The Pop Tart corporation paid $100000 for the above product placement; I will be using that money to buy Adele.*

*By Adele, I mean the actual singer, not her new album.

In conclusion, the Jewish Film Nerd looked at Passover and found it good. I'm picky about my Jewish holidays-if I don't like them, I don't even try to get into the spirit (a day celebrating trees and botany? I took a 1st grade field trip to the Arboretum, mmkay?). I always attempt to treat Passover somewhat reverently, and it is in my opinion one of the more meaningful Jewish holidays. Also, fun fact; statistics show that more and more Christians are holding seders of their own, in an attempt to experience our culture. Now you know how we feel at your Christmas parties, guys.

Chag Sameach! (A joyous festival to all!)

The Next Four Years

I don't do personal posts often; after all, wouldn't you rather read about Greta Garbo's secret life instead of what I had for breakfast this morning? But I today I made a decision that's worth spilling some metaphorical ink about. After two years, six family trips, and thousands upon thousands of milquetoast hotel breakfasts, I have decided to attend Trinity University for my collegiate education. As I've no doubt that the Trinity experience (TM, bitches) will change me as a critic, a student, and a member of the human race, I feel justified in blabbing on about myself for a bit, and in taking some time to explain what makes Trinz (my patented abbreviation) right for me, what made some of the biggest/most prestigious schools in the country wrong, and what this whole journey has taught me. I could try to make a big, essay-type deal out of this, but the truth is, I don't have long-I'm off to get shitfaced and celebrate! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL JKJKJKJK. But really, I does have a celebratory luncheon some of my favorite Jews in just about an hour. So, real quick-like...
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Basics: San Antonio, Texas. 2, 487 undergrads. The Tiger is the official mascot. Founded in 1869. Not religiously affiliated, despite the name.

Why it bested NYU and Chapman in Le College Hunt: With NYU, the answer is simple; the tuition, while not absolutely unattainable, would've bound me to a student loan for all eternity, and all but erased the possibility of graduate study. Plus, letting someone who cried himself to sleep at a Jew-camp three hours from home loose in the world's craziest city as a college freshmen is just not a quality idea. As for Chapman, while I was impressed with their burgeoning film program, there was something incredibly homogenized about campus life; everything seemed a little too manicured, too perfect, too airbrushed. The university seemed to be more concerned with success than anything else; I saw too many men in suits gesturing to charts outlining networking opportunities and work study, and not enough current students gushing about personal growth or newly acquired knowledge. I don't mean to knock Chapman-it's earned the reputation it has for a reason. But, as the pamphlets say, its a "university on the move", and I think I'd get trampled. Plus, three people to a dorm room---what is this, a center for ants?!

Why I LOVE it: In a word; alive. Trinity is the antithesis of every stuffy stereotype of college life. For one thing, there's the city, which is so much more than one giant Alamo museum. It's in Texas, so the occasional cowboy hat or Republican bumper sticker sighting is inevitable, but alot of the funky juice that powers Austin leaks over into San Antonio; here's a city with three indie movie theatres, a cabaret, a Broadway-themed restaurant, and (my favorite) a combination burger-joint-laundromat-car-wash with an all-female house band, Ellen and the Degenerates. The effulgent quirkiness pops up in the students as well; they affectionately refer to Coates Hall as "Jackets", hold drug-free raves in the library, and pair economics majors with guitar performance minors. In short; these are people like me. People I can gush about cinema in front of. People I can do my attractive mating dances for. People who I can live with, literally and figuratively, for the next few years. I haven't even mentioned the faculty members I have met, impassioned, accessible, and above and beyond qualified for their respective jobs. I haven't gotten to the campus, in all its red-bricked glory. And I suppose I should bring up the dorms, which are frequently proclaimed the best in the nation. Yes, the triple digit temperatures are an issue; but a few extra bottles of SPF are a small price to pay for what I fully expect to be a phenomenal, formative college education.

What I've learned: Visit the campus. I can't say that enough. I hated the idea of San Antonio, but the reality turned out to be an entirely different bag of chips. Talk to as many students as possible, and with as few adults around as possible; these are the guys who can tell you what it's really like. Look at student publications to gauge the rhetorical ability of the students, as well as their perception of their school. Get meetings with department heads; grill them. It's their job, whether they like it or not. Demand to eat in the cafeteria, even if you have to take hostages. Ask: What's one thing you don't like? Your favorite thing? How do you find the city? The dorm experiences? Trouble with roommates? Partying? Easy to get around? When you think you've asked too many questions, throw out two or three more for good measure. Stalk Facebook pages. YouTube performances, news updates, local columns. Most important is this; if your gut is telling you something...listen.

While we're at it, a preview: Within the next week or so, I'll be posting a HUGE-ASS ESSAY I've been working for a few weeks now. It's some of my best, methinks. Get excited.

Oh, and one more thing: Well....how do I say this eloquently? I tend to find women of the collegiate variety exceedingly attractive. Ooo gurl. Uh.