How to Survive A Catholic Mass For (Jewish) Dummies

(I don't mean to offend Jews nor Catholics. I love them both, with some notable exceptions.)
That's right. It's finally here. It's been anticipated almost as much as the Ipad.
For all you Chosen Peoples enrolled in Catholic education programs, its-

HOW TO SURVIVE A CATHOLIC MASS FOR (JEWISH) DUMMIES.
I'll teach you, the Jesus School Jew, to survive a Catholic mass, avoid all the potential awkward turtles, and even add a few notches of spiritual and cultural growth to your belt in the process. (In some cases, these tricks work for ANY fish-out-of-water religious situation!)

TIP 1: PHASE OUT THE JEW HATE:
"Why don't Jews accept the New Testament?", I'm often asked. Well, kiddies, what I ask is, "Why doesn't the New Testament accept Jews?" While there's nothing blatantly anti-Semitic in the New Testament, there's plenty of stuff that implies an anti-Israeli bent. For example;
"Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one."
Note the way we're conveniently lumped into a category. A couple of Jews beat up Jesus, therefore, his blood is on ALL of our hands. It's like saying that, since I squashed a bug this morning, all Jews are murderers.
Naturally, this offends people. In fact, I've known some of my fellow Jews to walk out of Christian events when hearing these statements. I can certainly understand why they're angry, but these are just words! We've survived pogroms, Hitler, and two generations of skinheads, and we're gonna be floored by a literary generalization? Sticks and stones, people. Realize that such put-downs, intentional or not, are a part of almost all religious works (in fact, in the Jewish Talmud, there's a bit of skepticism directed at Christians and their newfound Messiah), and you can just sit back and-

TIP 2: TAKE IN THE LANGUAGE
No seriously. There's some beautiful stuff in the Bible. Even if you don't believe in its theological assertions, take it in as a story. Then, despite not cottoning to its messages, you can relish the beauty of sentences like these:
"The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords."
"They that sow in tears shall reap joy."
"Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant."
Even if you don't believe in the specifics of the deities and disciples the Bible lays out, ther's no doubt that the hand of a higher power crafted some of these sentences. While we're appreciating the beauty of words-

TIP 3: FACE THE MUSIC
This is a big one. Services themselves are only about 45 minutes. It's the music that fills the most space. Some of the best compositions ever written were created specifically for religious gatherings. Take Mozart's "Lacrimosa". Composed for a Catholic funeral mass, its the most haunting thing you're likely to hear in your life. "Ave Maria", when done well, sends chills up my spine. Leaning more towards the non-traditional, there's a soulful spiritual called "Rain Down" (I think?) that our choir always does-I loves it. On the flip side, Catholics marooned on Jew Island would be wise to not underestimate the mournful beauty of "Avinu Malkeinu" or the moving, militant "V'Shamru". Additionally, if you're ever exposed to "Tree of Life", you will never stop humming it. NEVER. In the last tip, I suggested looking past the messages and falling in love with the words. Here, I suggest bypassing the words entirely and deepening your appreciation of the melodies. Also, remember to-

TIP 4: FILL IN THE BLANK
This is where it gets tough-when the man in the robe starts talking about the "nature of Christ", etc. I've discovered a handy trick that does wonders for those of us who believe in a non-Triune god, or just a basic, intangible higher power. Pick a name, any name. God, Allah, "a spiritual being". Now substitute it for "Christ". It doesn't always work ("Eating the body and blood of God" just sounds nasty), but occasionally, it allows you to further delve into your relationship with that Spiritual Power that is present in your life in some way, shape or form (as far as my personal beliefs-that's another novel. Erm...post.) Finally, a bit of practical wisdom.

TIP 5: YES, THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO TOUCH YOU!
At some point in the Mass, everybody links hands. The first time I went to a Bishop Lynch High School mass, I did not know this. I'm just sittin' there, listening to our priest, and our of nowhere, people on all sides are going for my palms. What is this? A congregational mugging? A schoolwide rave?! STOP TOUCHING ME!!! Then, they began a communal prayer, and I understood the purpose-to join us together as Christians. Not wanting to be the weak link in the Holy Chain, I withdrew my hands politely. You may keep yours in if you wish. But I thought, fellow Jesus School Jew, you might like to know why they're touching you.

That's all I got. I'll write another Heavenly Hundred soon, but in light of a recent school mass, I thought I'd take a little detour. Thoughts? Snide remarks? Comment. Feed my ego. DOOOO IT.

Have a good week, dahlings!